How Do You Decide How Many Kids to Have?
Recently, we received a thoughtful question from Alyssa in St. Paul, Minnesota:
“What do you suggest we do if we can’t decide how many kids to have? My husband has a greater capacity than I do and thus wants more kids. It’s hard to know how to make that decision.”
What a real and relatable question. Many couples wrestle with this tension—wanting to honor each other’s desires while discerning what God wants for their family.
Finding Unity in Big Decisions
When it comes to major life choices, especially ones that shape your family, unity is essential. We live by this principle: if it’s not two yeses, it’s a no.
God is a God of peace. When both spouses are at peace, that’s a beautiful confirmation of His leading. If one person isn’t sure, that’s okay. It’s not a “no forever,” but maybe a “wait for now.” Give space for the Holy Spirit to bring clarity and unity in His timing.
Watch Out for the Voice of Fear
As we pray through family decisions, it’s important to recognize when fear starts driving the conversation. Our culture often sends messages that devalue children or elevate self-preservation over sacrifice:
“You’ll lose yourself.”
“You won’t have enough money.”
“You won’t have enough time or energy.”
But those thoughts are not from the Father’s heart. Children are a gift from the Lord, not a burden. Fear of lack—whether financial, emotional, or physical—can cloud our discernment. The Holy Spirit helps us renew our minds so we see family through Heaven’s lens.
Calling Comes Before Capacity
One truth we’ve seen over and over again is that capacity always grows with calling. God gives the call first—and then the grace, strength, and provision to match it.
When we look at our current season, it’s easy to assume our capacity now will be the same in the future. But God expands us. When we had one child, we couldn’t imagine managing eight. Our home, our rhythms, and our hearts had to grow—but they did. One season at a time, He stretched us and taught us.
You don’t need the grace today for a future season you’re not yet in. The Lord provides what you need when the time comes.
It’s Not About Rules—It’s About Relationship
There are a lot of opinions about birth control, family planning, and what “trusting God” looks like. Our conviction is simple: every decision belongs in relationship with Him.
Even though we have eight children, that doesn’t mean everyone should. We don’t believe there’s a one-size-fits-all formula for how many kids to have or when to have them. The key is to keep your heart open and let the Lord lead both of you together, without fear or pressure.
Ask the Right Questions
If you and your spouse are in different places, try asking gentle, open-ended questions rather than debating “yes or no.”
Why do you feel drawn to have more children?
What do you sense the Lord is saying about our family right now?
What’s behind my hesitation—is it fear, exhaustion, or uncertainty?
These kinds of conversations open hearts instead of closing them. They help uncover the deeper motivations and allow space for God’s peace to settle in.
Family: The Heart of God’s Culture
From the beginning, God said, “Be fruitful and multiply.” Family was His idea—it’s how He reveals His nature and spreads His culture on the earth.
So while decisions about family size are personal, they’re also sacred. They’re an opportunity to partner with God in one of His greatest joys: creating and nurturing life. When the calling comes from Him, you can trust that grace, provision, and capacity will follow.
A Prayer for Couples
Father,
Thank You for the gift of family. Thank You for the children You entrust to us and for the joy of shaping the next generation.
For couples discerning how and when to grow their families, bring clarity and peace. Silence every voice of fear, and let Your love lead the way.
Unite hearts, strengthen faith, and provide everything needed for the call You’ve placed on each home.
In Jesus’ name, amen.