When a Grandchild Acts Aggressively: Setting Boundaries with Wisdom and Love
By Jon and Amy Claussen
Healthy families create healthy culture. That belief sits at the center of everything we do, teach, and talk about. Family is often where growth begins—but it’s also where concerns surface most clearly. One question we recently received touches on a situation many grandparents quietly wrestle with:
“My grandson hits and teases his dogs. How do you put boundaries around this?”
While the scenario is specific, the heart of the question is much broader. How do grandparents respond when they see behavior in a grandchild that feels concerning, unhealthy, or unsafe?
Looking Beyond the Behavior to the Heart
At first glance, this question is about a child and a dog. But underneath it lies a deeper issue: a child acting out in ways that show a lack of restraint. Whether the behavior is hitting animals, siblings, or others, it signals something worth paying attention to.
Age matters here. A toddler hitting a dog is different from an older child doing the same thing. But regardless of age, repeated aggressive behavior points to a heart that needs guidance, boundaries, and loving correction.
As parents and grandparents, our ultimate concern isn’t just stopping a behavior—it’s shaping a heart.
The Role of Boundaries
Boundaries are not about control; they’re about protection. Children feel safest when loving adults create clear limits around what is and isn’t acceptable. When those boundaries are missing, children are left to navigate powerful emotions without guidance—and that’s not fair to them.
Scripture speaks often about restraint. One proverb reminds us that when restraint is absent, things fall apart. Children who are left without loving correction are not being shown love—they’re being left alone with impulses they aren’t equipped to manage.
Early boundaries matter. What is left unaddressed in a five-year-old can become far more destructive in a fifteen-year-old. Aggression that is laughed off or ignored doesn’t disappear—it grows.
Parenting vs. Grandparenting: Does It Matter?
This is where things get complicated.
Grandparents don’t typically hold the same authority as parents, and honoring that distinction matters. A healthy chain of command helps preserve trust and relationship within families. Constantly overriding parents can cause division rather than healing.
That said, safety changes the equation.
If a child is acting violently or unsafely, intervention is appropriate. Not because of power, but because of love. Hitting animals isn’t harmless behavior. It poses risk not only to the animal, but to the child as well. Animals that are mistreated become unpredictable, and the situation can escalate quickly.
When a grandchild is in your care, you absolutely have the responsibility to set boundaries in your home. Statements like:
“We don’t treat animals that way here.”
“That behavior isn’t okay.”
are appropriate and necessary.
When Parents Are Involved (or Not)
If parents are present and not intervening, wisdom is required. In many cases, the best first step is a private, respectful conversation with the parents—not accusation, but observation:
“I noticed something that concerned me, and I wanted to share it because I care about him.”
This keeps the focus on love, not judgment.
If parents are unaware, you’re helping.
If parents disagree, you still have the right—and responsibility—to set boundaries when the child is with you.
What you cannot always do as a grandparent is enforce boundaries when you’re not present. That limitation is real, and it requires trust—trust in the parents, and ultimately trust in the Lord.
Acting from Trust, Not Fear
It’s easy to react out of fear when we imagine what unchecked behavior could become. But fear-driven responses often create more harm than good.
Instead, boundaries should come from trust:
Trust that God is at work.
Trust that loving intervention matters.
Trust that early correction can redirect a child’s path.
Fear escalates situations. Trust steadies them.
Ask the Right Questions
One practical consideration is whether the behavior is learned. Has the child seen someone else act this way? Is there unresolved anger? Is the behavior a cry for attention or control?
Understanding the why helps guide the how.
Teaching children respect for God’s creation—including animals—is part of shaping their character. Compassion is learned. So is restraint.
A Long View of Family Culture
Family culture doesn’t form overnight. It’s built through repeated moments of loving guidance. Proverbs tells us to train up a child in the way they should go, trusting that those early investments will hold over time.
Grandparents play a powerful role here—not always as enforcers, but as voices of wisdom, safety, prayer, and perspective. Sometimes the greatest influence isn’t correction, but presence.
The Heart of the Matter
At its core, this question comes from love. A grandparent noticed something concerning and wanted to respond well. That alone matters.
Healthy families are built when adults are willing to intervene—not harshly, not fearfully, but faithfully. When we step in early, with wisdom and humility, we help children grow into people who know how to live with restraint, compassion, and strength.
And that kind of formation blesses not just one child—but generations to come.